Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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