Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
