Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
