So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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