And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
