My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
