You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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