2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
