they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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