She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
