when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
