I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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