Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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