I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
