dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Randomize