does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
