watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
