3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
