i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
