You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
