It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
