If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
