The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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