Your dad touched me again.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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