i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
