I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
