All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Randomize
