Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Randomize
