I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
