the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize