Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
