have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
