I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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