I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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