The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize