Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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