WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
