walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
