Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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