First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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