Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
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I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
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This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?