Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
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I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
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When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.