upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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