just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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