I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Randomize
