If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
