I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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