you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
