I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
