oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Michael Bay diarrhea
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
two words...techno handjob
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
We need a shit load of segways right now
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
