Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
