Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
