She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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