Fine. I'll sleep in my office
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
