I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
